Loving the people I can…

The worst thing about being autistic, to me, is not really understanding what other people actually think of you – not knowing if you have friends, or acquaintances; not knowing if what appear to be compliments are tainted with pity, or condescension; not knowing if “I love you” means that they actually care, or are just three nice words. There comes a point then, when you have to just distract yourself from wondering – though wondering and worrying seem to be the middle names of autistics. I have loved so many people over the years. So many of those people – most – in fact, are gone. “Gone” is the most hated word in my vocabulary. I don’t want people to be gone. When I love someone, I will, and do, love them always. But given that I don’t understand how to change that – despite having spent a lifetime trying to, it is time not to try to understand anymore, not to worry about it (if possible) and just love the people in my life who I love, for every moment I have the chance to love them.

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