Will love ever be enough?

It is so impossible to explain how hard it is to be an autistic person with a heart full of love. Seeing walls put between you and those you love, walls that are to distance only you, yet allow others – seeing those walls between you and one person after another. Wanting only to admire, respect and love those people, yet feeling that your love is unwanted.

And you can only say to yourself “I don’t have cooties. I am not broken. I am only different, and I don’t always understand. But that does not mean I don’t want to. And it does not mean that my heart is not full of love.”

And you know from deep within your soul, that your wish is simply to be free to love people joyfully – to be able to love people without fear. Without that nagging apparent certainty that loving them will end up being the wrong thing in their eyes, and will lose the very people most admired. It is a pervasive fear, born of a lifetime of history. It spawns feelings of deficiency, inadequacy, and when you know you have a disability – of feeling like a freak, not normal, sub-par. A fear that doesn’t fade, and you have no understanding how to overcome. And all you know to do is to try to brave the fear, battle back the uncertainty, and know with certainty that the ONLY right thing to do is just love, as best you can.  But then wonder, yet again, if that will ever be enough.

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