I had (have!) a dream…

So, what do you do when you fear losing the dream of a lifetime – when you begin to wonder if what you have built your entire life around the hope to accomplish is completely beyond you? What do you do, when you wonder if that dream is even possible – despite your most genuine best efforts? What do you do when the realization hits that you may just not have the wherewithal or ability to find your way to that dream? You wonder if perhaps the dream was the wrong one, despite an unwavering belief that it comes from a good place in your heart. Where others dream of – and some achieve – successes in great things – where I have examples before me, as an autistic – recent examples such as Temple Grandin, and Susan Boyle; or historical examples such as Mozart, Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin – the accomplishments they aspired to and achieved were much different than my – perhaps silly – aspirations.

My dream, since I was a small child, was to make the world a kinder, softer place. Was to lead the way there by embodying the world I wanted to create – to understand humans, and humanity enough to just, honestly, be love, softness, light, and caring. To do that, I knew that I would have to fight every demon that has attacked me – ward off every feeling of hurt, envy, unfairness, and to only love. I have worked so hard to do that. The love in my heart is honestly very real. But – just as honestly it is surrounded by so many other human emotions that I wish only to succumb to that love.

But unfortunately the primary unfairness I felt I faced is the question as to why someone would have the dream I have – and yet be given so few tools to accomplish it. To love people, cherish them, find so much joy in them – and yet have so little understanding as to the ways of them – so little understanding as to those skills that it would actually take to realize that dream. But somehow – to me, at least – this made the dream that much more important. To be a leader of people – as an autistic – as someone who grew up with a deprivation in the very things that I now wanted to not only share, but grow…

To be that person who accomplishes love… who not only loves and shares love, but who makes others feel loved, and inspires them to want to share love, and to themselves yet inspire others as well. How could I hope for that dream, when there is so much to learn, and I often feel I possess so little understanding, that at times all I can feel is overwhelmed and beaten.

For much of my life, I dreamt this dream, wished for it, hoped for it – but admittedly sat in fear of it, firm in the belief that it was unrealistic – for me. And so I did nothing, except to dream. But the last couple of years I had found hope in that dream again, hope that I had not felt since I was a young child with a dream that felt so far in the future. But recently I had found the hope again dwindling. Overwhelmed by the task, I admittedly had let the fears again overtake me, fear that my very precious dream is in reality well beyond my abilities to accomplish. And yet, I don’t know how to let go… what would you do if you lost the dream of a lifetime?

So, the realization may be true that I will never fully accomplish my dream. But yet, I will not if I don’t in fact try. So, I suppose that all I can do at this juncture is gather myself up under me and move forward again – work toward what I believe in, hope for, and dream of – as best my abilities allow. That is all I can do… and it is what I then must do. But as much as my abilities may not be all that I wish, I will pursue this dream with every bit of love in my heart. And so it is…

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