Self love and blame…

I just read an article about self-love, and one of the things it discussed was blaming yourself for your failures. When I look at myself, I do see many good things in me, but I must admit there is that element of self-blame I have to acknowledge. When I look at the attributes that being autistic gives me, I believe some are quite good, and yet others have elements of good and bad. But the area I admittedly struggle with myself over is the ability to build relationships. I don’t mean casual ones, but deep, lasting relationships – those friendships described by my dream conversation with God, where He asked those I knew to list their friends by His definition – those who love you, want you to feel loved, and try to the best of their ability for everything they do toward you to illustrate that love. I want the people on that list to better reflect those who I work hard in my heart and action to foster that relationship with. But it is there where I feel I too often let down both myself and those I love, by my inability to effectively translate my feelings to appropriate words and actions. As an autistic, those skills are elusive, and sometimes I doubt my ability to ever have that understanding and cultivate the skill that goes with it. And as much as I may try to accept that I have the label of autism that explains those difficulties, that has never managed to excuse me in my own eyes.

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