Realities…

I had someone tell me that they believe – given my heart, contrasted with my upbringing coupled with being autistic – that my purpose on this Earth was to demonstrate unconditional love, and to show people how to give unconditional love, in that it was necessary to love unconditionally to love me. Aside from wondering if the second part of that statement was an incredible compliment, or in fact a significant insult – it also seems to be beyond me as to how to achieve that end.

People have said, “You need to just be yourself” – but that is, in fact, all I know how to do. Within that scope of being myself, I had realized, however, that I had a lot to learn. There was so much insecurity involved in being me – and that insecurity, really, was keeping me from being the best of who I in fact really am.

However – given that I will never fully overcome the pitfalls of my upbringing, or the reality of being autistic – I thought that I had done a pretty good job over the last couple of years in breaking through some of the behaviors that I believed were in fact most holding me back. But – having said that – and having gained that strength, I had admittedly hoped that when I did so, that I might find myself closer to achieving my own personal goals.

But I still do not see them in sight. And the realization that even with all the work I have done that my goals seem just as far off is admittedly quite disheartening. It is not that I see myself as less of a person because of it – or feel that I have lost or will lose the gains I have made. But, admittedly – some of the joy that came with the initial changes is fading, as I am realizing that the affect these changes will make on my life is not – and may well never be – what I had hoped.

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