Giving up on dreams, but not on me

Letting go of the dreams of a lifetime is never an easy thing. When those dreams involve the heart, it is even harder. I put so much of my heart, soul, and being over the past couple of years into trying to become a social person, into trying to build real and lasting relationships. I wanted to BE the person in my dreams who God told me was a friend. I wanted to be that person who made my friends feel loved, who told them in everything I did that I love them. But as I watch one after another of the people I truly care for pull away from me, despite those efforts, I have realized that intention does not necessarily breed understanding. Perhaps that which I have dreamed a lifetime of is truly just beyond the abilities of even a big hearted autistic, with so small a foundation of social interaction upon which to build. I will never be the friend who people miss, the one they think of fondly. I will never be able to build relationships, finding my way beyond the walls of distrust that others put up at what they perceive as unnatural behavior. I will never prove that love conquers all, the way I dreamt of being able to. It is not something I understand how to achieve. And that has been tearing me apart for awhile now. But I have to chose between giving up the dreams or giving up my life as I let the understanding that I cannot achieve them tear me apart. I have to instead convince myself to focus on what I can do. And that is not nothing. I can do things to be proud of. And even if not in the manner of my dreams. I have shown that my mother was NOT right when she told me “Nobody loves you, everybody hates you”. A heart full of love that wants to love may not make fairy tales come true, but I can make a nice life where I help people and share my love as best I know how.

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