Walls…

I have spoken a lot about my struggles recently, yet still I do not believe I have articulated them successfully. People have responded by sending me posts about self-love, and by telling me to just be me, and let others be who they are. Both concepts are wonderful, and I embrace, but neither are the issue. I love myself – and I most certainly love everyone else – JUST as they are. People are the most wonderful, dear things in my life, and always have been. And yes, up until too recently there was a truth that I let my inadequacies and ineptitudes in the areas most important to me make me not love myself, but I have realized now that I deserve to love myself for my strengths – that same way I have always loved others for theirs.
But despite that I love others, gladly “letting them be who they are,” the key – just as many memes say, is that though you cannot change others, you can change yourself. Only therein lies my frustration, you can only change yourself when and if you understand what needs changing, if you understand how to change yourself to more become what you want to be. And that is the wall I seem to have hit. I have done a lot of changing over the past couple of years. And those changes are good, and bring me closer to being who I want to be. But yet, recently I have realized that not only am I not “there”, but there is no path I understand to get from where I am to “there”. Despite my best efforts, there is no forward progress I know to continue to make toward my dreams, toward my goals and ambitions for myself. It is not any part of not loving myself or thinking I am not a good person, it is not understanding – from here, how to become a better one.

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