To my mother and father, I was broken. To most of the other students, and many of the teachers in my years of school, I was broken. A few people along the way tried to convince me that the others were wrong, but for many many years, to no avail. How could so many people see me incorrectly? But they did. I did. I was never broken – in fact, though as everyone, I may have a few cracks – if anything I was and am entirely too whole.
As an lifetime observer of people, it is my belief that many, or most(?), perhaps nearly all(?) neurotypicals (non-autistics), as well as many, or most(?) autistics – hide. They hide bits and pieces of themselves from the world, and in many ways even from themselves. I don’t hide, not even from me. That is not to say that there isn’t much about me I don’t fully understand, but just because I don’t understand, not because I try to camouflage anything. I just really pretty much am what I am. Which is good in some ways, but hard in many. I see, and have to deal with, everything about me. I don’t leave facets of my personality unexplored. I don’t have that “first you have to face it” problem about changing… if I understand it at all, I’ve faced it. I am real… too real for many, I fear.
I don’t readily repress my feelings. They are there – on the surface. They are such a real part of me, that I honestly don’t understand why I would wish to repress them. They are who I am… I love big, enjoy big, smile big, laugh big, hurt big, cry big… I was writing a poster (for me, at least) this morning that says “I’m not fat, it just takes this much body to contain me.” People are often afraid of me… but I never understand why. I am afraid of things I don’t understand – but me – I’m all there. There is nothing to fear. Someone who does love me once said it’s because people think I’m too good to be true… and although I had to laugh at that, since I could recite each of my flaws for you, I understand their point (sort of). I think the expectation is that most people are hiding things – so if I am all of this on the surface, what exactly is it that I could be hiding? Nothing, really. I wouldn’t even know how.
I am beginning to believe that is part of why I lose people, though… they try to figure me out as they would other people, but I am “un-figure-out-able.” I know I have flaws, but I see the flaws in others, and readily love them, putting their flaws aside to focus on the things I love. Are my flaws so much more glaring than those I know who are surrounded by people – or are they just different, and harder to know what to make of?
A Facebook friend told me that my purpose in the world was to teach people about loving unconditionally. That I do love that way, and that I require that in loving me. Whether that is a good thing or not, I’m beginning to believe the truth in it. Just love me for who I am. All of who I am… I AM a good thing to love, cracks and all. I see that now. Just as the Japanese pots, I am working to patch each of those cracks with gold (love). I just hope that eventually those I love most and wish for in my life will see that too.