When all else fails… love more.

I have worked very hard all my life, not just at my job – which was never easy for me, but at so many aspects of my life. There were the struggles of maintaining a full-time job/“career” for many years, which often required me moving and being away from home for extended periods. But in addition, I watched the world, loving it, so much wanting to feel a part of it, but always feeling somehow that I could only live on it’s fringes. I have never found those people as anxious to make me a real part of their lives as I felt them to be of mine. Add to that, pretty much constant pain, and a myriad of health issues I never even remember to mention when I see a doctor, (and often just forget entirely, until I am forced to remember) and the inability really of an autistic to properly care for themselves… has made a lot of my life challenging many times over. But I am not complaining. It has also made me strong – to the point admittedly that I identify with the meme that says “Dear whatever doesn’t kill me, I think I’m strong enough now…”
But those things are all just secondary. The thread that runs through all of my life is the burning desire to find everything and everyone in my little part of the world that is worth loving – and love the heck out of it. The way, I admittedly have always wished someone would love the heck out of me. The fact that they don’t often hurts me, I cannot deny that – but what it does more so is steel my resolution to only love more – as if somehow my love could make up for the lack of love directed at me. Perhaps that will never happen. It did not with my parents, it has not with so many people, but I cannot and do not wish to remove from my heart, that belief that the biggest gift we are given is loving hearts. And if I am lacking in so many other areas, I want to utilize that gift. As best I can… always. When all else fails, love more. I will follow that credo until the day I die.

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