Dreams and realities…

While, just as everyone else, autistics range in how much they enjoy other people, for me, and many others I have read of, the hardest part of this equation is the social aspect. They say you pick your friends, but for autistics, the reality is that you can expect to pick way more than will ever pick you in return. While many try to help, with placating phrases like “it doesn’t matter what other people think of you, it only matters what you think of yourself”, the truth is that if you have hope to socialize, to fit in, to be able to share bits of your life with other people, it very much matters what they think of you. In fact if anything, it becomes harder with the self-realization of your strengths and qualities, that yet somehow seem lost in the eyes of those you just wish to love.
That desire, as I have put it, “to be a real person”‘ to feel on at least equal footing with others in seeking to share human companionship. The wish to not always wonder if relationships are built upon pity, or if they will dissolve at the realization that you might be more work, more complicated, harder to understand – while at the same time realizing how hard each of them are to understand for us… while I look at my life goal… to be successful at being a person. To be able to build and keep friendships with those people my heart most loves. The things that are laughable as goals to some, yet so real, and so important to me. Just as real, and more treasured than fortune or fame. To win the lottery, but not of money… to win the lottery of friendship. To have the riches of sharing my life with people I treasure. So simple, yet not.

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