I love you still

Fighting demons is hard. It doesn’t get any easier as you age somehow, or perhaps instead, it in fact gets harder with the sense of urgency that time is more precious as you realize you likely have less of it ahead. Loving people has always been what I wanted to do. From the time I was a very small child, and we were out shopping, I can remember having fear of public spaces and crowds, as typical of the Autism that nobody yet realized I had. Yet within those crowds, there were faces, faces of people. Such a conundrum, crowds I hate, made up of people I love. I imagine why still, when in a crowd, I must focus on individuals, or find it all very overwhelming. But the story is that when I was a very small child, in public places I hated, I would seek out an individual and go pull on their pants leg, or dress, to get their attention – and just smile at them. My mother would tell me that nobody cared that I loved them. Those words of hers carried over to other situations later in my life, and haunt me to this day. But I always felt that “loving them” was the right thing to do… even if I still find it hard. So to those whose pants leg I pull on, I love you still, and I hope that’s a good thing. 💕

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