Love and fear…

Love, to me, is the most inherently real thing there is. It is in fact so integral – I can only speak for myself, but to me, the most integral thing to my being that I can imagine. I have no control over love. I breathe, and I love. Whether the timing be bad, whether it be wise or foolish, whether it be “in my best interests”, whether any particular condition may exist to support or deny love, it just is. I must imagine that the love I feel is the closest thing to unconditional love that might be possible in the heart of a human. But…

That said, I grew up with a mother who not only told me that “nobody loves you, everybody hates you”, but worse that “nobody cares if you love them”. And in my life there have been many negative reinforcements, expressions of love often being met with – just as my mother said “I don’t care that you love me” – or worse “I don’t want you to love me”.
So here is the conundrum, where on one hand there is love, the one thing in the world that can most bring joy within a heartbeat, without a movement, without a sound, without even a conscious thought… Just by its very existence. And on the other hand the knowledge that most every attempt at expressing it has been deemed wrong for a lifetime. Although extreme, I think my situation is in its basis typical.

Love is in and of itself joyful. Where fear arises is in how joyfully it is able to be shared. Freedom in love would be where it could be expressed with only that anticipation of joy. Where one may feel free to share love openly, as themselves, to be purely loving in those ways that are – to them – natural expressions of that love.

Given my upbringing, that to me is the biggest treasure I have sought in life – to be able to believe that my love, and my – even awkward – attempts at expressing it, had the ability to be a light in the life of that person I loved and wanted to share love with. But the insecurities at my ability to do that have raised very real fears, the very fears that I have worked harder than anything in my life to overcome…. So that goal – of being able to share love freely – as me – in all of my bumbling, sometimes overbearing, awkward, yet incredibly real and totally loving “me-ness” – toward all of those I love – is my biggest dream.

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