Love over anything that is not love…

I am autistic. I am different, and sadly many people see my differences as difficulties. However I am not difficult by my own choice. At any point in my life, with any person in my life, I would have given anything to be seen as easy, only as someone enjoyable. But, I simply did/do not know how… So many people in my life have held that against me. So many have turned away from me, shunned me, or even bullied me because I did not know how to be the person they believed I should be, nor even that person who I would have wished to be, if I had but understood what those differences were. For so many many years, I believed that made the person who I in fact am unacceptable. How sad is that. How sad is it that a perfectly nice person, with a kind heart and loving intent is made to feel less than acceptable just for lack of understanding of cultural norms. This is what is wrong with a society that excludes people simply because they do not fit a societally determined mold. Part of my mission is to work to change that. There is so much in this world that is not based on love. As I read through my Facebook feed, and read those comments, that my husband keeps telling me I shouldn’t read, they make me cry, because I see so much divisiveness, and open hostility. Sadly, for someone who has been the object of so much hatred so many times in my life, I have no understanding of it, or why anyone would choose hatred over love. Even selfishly, it just doesn’t feel good to hate. Love is so much more pleasant. So for one’s own sake, I wish each person would learn to find love in every situation.
A few years ago, I was accused of being a stalker. I had to look up the definition and it just made me cry. I can be – and perhaps was being – somewhat obsessive, but only in a loving way. But a stalker is far from loving. A stalker is a person full of hate, and there is no hate in my body anywhere. If someone turns me away, as many have, including those part of that accusation, I will cry a lot. I will wish with every bit of my heart that they understood otherwise, but there is no desire in me for karma, or to be any part of wishing hurt on anyone. Why would I? The only desire in me (as in most all autistics) is for understanding, that those people who are different could hope that people would look at them with kind eyes, with a gentle loving heart, and look for those things in kind. I am admittedly odd, but finally I realized that I am ahead of many – of those who would hurt me, in that I understand love. And in that, I rejoice.

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