Just me

People might think that because I am so open, that means I am very trusting. But that is not actually the case. I am so open because I don’t feel like I have anything to hide, and even if I did I’m not sure I would hide it anyway, because if someone is to like me I want them to like me for all of me. It is Autistic nature to be honest, but from what I understand not typically to be so open. I think in some strange way that my openness is a result of being hurt so much. However trust is another matter. I actually find it hard to trust. Very hard. I give my heart away freely, yet I typically don’t give it with much expectation. There are very few people who it allows itself to believe in. Even then, most times when it has, it has not ended well for me. So if you win even a bit of my trust, it’s a big deal. You can count on the fingers of one hand the souls who have earned it. In fact sometimes I think you can stop with a thumb, and the thumb is a cat.

So, to be honest, one of the hardest aspects of my life is my relationship with God. Arguably it began with my mother’s words that He hated me. But it has been through a lifetime of seemingly unanswered prayer. Prayer that is entirely about love. I keep praying. I keep searching for faith in the midst of the struggles. It is incredibly hard being Autistic. It is even harder being an Autistic person whose biggest goal in life is to form relationships. A skill I don’t have, but that I have worked for, begged for, prayed for. So my mannerisms are not typical. But I want to see my heart accepted by those I love most. I want to see my heart matter more. I want only to feel that I belong in their lives, and that I am valued in every way just as much as their friends who are not Autistic. I am not certain I have ever had that relationship. I don’t believe it is intentional by some, but just a factor of my differences. And I have worked so hard to change that. But for the most part it seems I clearly don’t know how. And that is the biggest source of sadness and frustration in my life.

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